Don't shy away from emotions. Get curious.

Ever been told to keep your emotions in check during a disagreement or an argument?

Yeah, me too.

How has that worked out for you? Because I gotta tell you, advice like that makes me want to scream into a pillow.

Emotions are natural. They’re human. And they can be incredibly helpful.

Sure, they can be counterproductive, but that doesn’t mean we should stuff them down and pretend like disagreements don’t affect us emotionally.

When we disagree about important stuff, we’re going to get emotional.

In episode 19 of The Follow-Up Question, Dr. Liane Davey explained to me what it means to “get beneath the facts in an argument,” meaning that nearly all arguments are inherently rooted in some sort of unspoken emotion and are rarely a disagreement about the sheer facts at hand.

In Dr. Davey’s experience, you can’t have an argument or disagreement without emotion being involved. That’s the nature of the beast.

The difference in whether or not emotions derail the conversation is how we acknowledge and get curious about what the emotions mean.

Think about it: If my child is being bullied at school and I have a meeting with the principal and the offending child’s parents, telling me to not display emotion will not only feel even more upsetting, it will feel unfair.

That doesn’t mean I lose my mind. There are limits to what emotion is productive and what is detrimental (like attacking the person and not the argument they're making). But emotions make it clear to other humans that we care, that something is important, and that it needs to be taken seriously.

When the other side gets curious about our emotions — and more importantly, the true source of those emotions — it can lead to a clearer understanding of the issue, and perhaps even reveal ways to resolve the disagreement or dispute.

I recently interviewed Oscar Trimboli, author of the book “How to Listen,” for an upcoming episode of The Follow-Up Question. In his book, Oscar writes:

“I am often asked ‘How do I help the speaker take their emotions out of a conversation?’ I’ll simply reply, ‘Emotions are another form of content to listen to.’ Often this question is more about the listener’s comfort with processing their emotional reaction, rather than the speaker’s. Feeling and emotions create a rich and nuanced signal toward meaning.”

Emotions are a necessary ingredient to effective communication. They’re another spice, another flavor that reveals the rich history of a person’s lived experience — their truth.

And we must ask curious questions to uncover their significance.

Not weaponized questions like, “Why are you acting so crazy?”

Rather, questions like, “I want to understand why this issue means so much to you. When did you first start to feel this way?”

Disregarding emotion does a disservice to everyone involved, no matter the temperature of the conversation.

Whether we’re disagreeing over how to address police violence or discussing the best meal we ever had, emotions are important, they matter, and you’ll be a better communicator if you seek to understand them better.

Interested in improving your communication skills and presence? Learn more about what it’s like to work with me as your communications coach.