For such a time as this

At least once I week, I think about Carla Johnson.

Perhaps more specifically, I think about the communication lesson she taught me.

Carla joined me on episode 36 of my podcast in April 2021 to discuss her work helping business leaders get better at storytelling.

During our conversation, Carla delivered this nugget of communication wisdom:

“Our push to insist other people listen to what we have to say is the very thing that makes us lose their attention in the first place.”

I found it so profound in the moment that I interrupted Carla (something I rarely do) and asked her to repeat herself for added emphasis and oomph.

There is no shortage of people screaming “Listen to me!” these days. Often quite literally, I might add.

You see it in advertising, you see it in politics, you see it on social media.

And in the next heartbeat, they wonder why no one seems to care about what they have to say.

As Carla so astutely pointed out, when your entire approach to communicating with others is essentially a mandate to sit down, shut up, and listen, surely it can't be that shocking when it doesn't work.

Because that’s not how change works.

That’s not how humans work.

The more we insist others listen to us, the more they push us away.

No one likes to feel forced to change or forced to pay attention or forced to think differently.

Ever been hoodwinked into attending a conference presentation that ended up being a 45-minute sales pitch?

And yet, we don’t see when we do the exact same thing during our disagreements — adopting a “me first” view of the world and the problems we face.

In my second TEDx Talk, I highlighted the problem with this approach in describing the differences between a peacekeeper and a peacemaker.

In sharing how a peacekeeper shows up in conflict and disagreeement, I noted that:

A peacekeeper looks at a group of people or a person they disagreee with and says, “Why should I try to find common ground with them? They're the ones who are wrong. They need to come to me.”

This all-or-nothing, my-way-or-the-highway approach to conversation crushes relationships, tears apart friendships, and makes cooperative problem-solving nearly impossible.

Instead, we resort to force, deception, and yes, even violence to get our way.

As I wrote in my book, “Can I Ask A Question?,” this total-victory fallacy of change — that change must be complete and wholly opposite from the present — causes us to make enemies of each other and sink further into our idealogical bubbles.

“The standard for change and for common ground cannot be a choice between total agreement or no agreement at all. That’s the kind of thinking that causes us to take up the war-like posture of agonism, believing that the ideological battle must be total and complete or else deemed a failure.”

If there was ever a time to rethink what you’ve been taught about communication and how to approach difficult conversations, it is such a time as this.

Because you and I both know the current state of disagreement and discourse is not working.

And no amount of shouting, “Listen to me!” is going to help.

In fact, it will only make things worse.

So what would be the opposite of demanding attention?

How about giving your own attention to others — even those you disagree with?

This is the ASK then SEE method of conflict communication that I wrote about in my book.

A - Assume positive intent; commit to a belief that most people have good intentions and are not out to cause harm or bring about destruction

S - Set aside your ego; your desire to learn must come before your desire to be right

K - Know that you don’t know everything; you can’t possibly have all the answers

Then...

S - Search yourself; ask questions of yourself to understand what you truly believe and how you came to those beliefs based on your life’s experiences and influences

E - Explore other perspectives; ask questions about others and get curious in your mind about how someone else’s life might cause them to see the world differently than you

E - Exchange your curiosity with others; ask questions of people whose ideas, beliefs, and thoughts you disagree with to bring about a fuller understanding of the world

And I must point out — understanding does not equal agreement.

But it does allow for us to have better conversations about the things we disagree about rather than have arguments about the fact that we disagree.

Understanding moves us away from the “Listen to me!” approach that pushes others away, and instead, it creates space for productive and healthy dialogue to occur.

And in that space where we feel heard and seen, the possibility for change exists.

As always... keep asking questions.

Interested in improving your speaking and communication skills to more confidently deliver your message? Learn more about what it’s like to work with me as your speaking coach.