The No. 1 communication lesson you need to unlearn

There is a communication lesson you were taught growing up, and that is modeled and incentivized over and over again in culture, that is crushing your ability to communicate well with others.

Speaking with certainty about things that are not certain.

I understand the irony of making such a certain statement, but stick with me and I think it will make sense.

When you speak with certainty about issues and topics that contain nuance, you are often doing it to try to convince someone else that your views and opinions and beliefs are the more correct, the more right, and more true. And you have been led to believe (i.e. taught) that the more certain you are when you deliver this information, the more likely it will be that others come alongside you and believe it, too.

Hello every debate class and persuasive writing course there ever was.

And so you and me and everyone else buys into the lie that we can argue our way to change through unabashed certainty.

However, I’m willing to bet you understand deep down that this is untrue.

When you speak with certainty and your goal is to change someone’s mind, you’re actually working against yourself. Speaking with certainty does little more than validate those who at some level already agree with you.

But what happens to the people who don’t already agree with you?

They dig their heels in more, because no one likes feeling as if someone is actively trying to change their mind, and no one wants to be forced to change — especially when it comes to issues of morality and ethics.

This total victory fallacy of conversation, where your goal is to achieve total victory by changing someone’s mind in an instant by speaking with such certainty that they can’t help but change, crushes the chance you have of having any measurable effect.

As Carla Johnson told me in episode 36 of The Follow-Up Question, “Our push to insist other people listen to what we have to say is the very thing that makes us lose their attention in the first place.”

I’ve learned through the many interviews I've done for my podcast that our ability to elicit change from others falls into four primary categories:

• Control — We have the authority to force others to change

• Influence — We have earned trust and therefore can make the case for change

• Apathy — We are an unknown and therefore have no voice in the matter

• Resistance — We are untrusted and change is actively avoided

As you can probably guess, real, lasting change only happens when you are in a position of influence, and you only get to this place if you have spent the time to earn trust.

The antidote to the certainty mindset and the quickest way to earn trust and influence is curiosity. Curiosity reduces tension, it invites exploration, it allows for nuance, and most importantly, it builds trust.

And when conversational trust is present, this is where change begins to form.

Interested in improving your communication skills and presence? Learn more about what it’s like to work with me as your communications coach.