Why speaking in front of others feels unnecessarily hard
On a recent coaching call, a client shared a story with me about a recent work meeting where he had been asked to speak to a room full of people, and it did not go well.
He described fumbling over his words, getting clammy hands, and feeling that all-too-familiar nervous pit in his stomach.
As he told me about this experience, he said the one thing that kept running through his mind was, “It shouldn’t be this hard.”
All the practicing, all the reviews of his notes, all the calming techniques, all the typical speaking tips, tricks, and formulas, they didn't help.
He felt a sense of self-betrayal. The trembling hands. A shaky voice. A mind that just couldn’t find the right words.
He told himself that he knows how to talk to people — “I’m great when it’s one-on-one!” — and that communicating to an audience shouldn’t be so difficult.
I hear this frustration all. the. time.
Another similar client heartbreakingly asked me recently, “Why can’t I be myself?”
And there it is.
One reason so many struggle with getting up and speaking in front of people is because they feel they must play a version of themselves they were never equipped to play.
In a meeting with a really big client, maybe you feel like you need to be super polished and expert-y.
On a stage, you might think you need to change your voice to sound more “grand,” and move about the stage like you see in all the really good TED Talks.
Or in those all-company meetings when you're asking to give a presentation, you can’t slip up and forget a key point, because that wouldn’t seem very confident.
But as I shared with both of these clients who expressed despair and confusion at their communicative struggles, communicating well has less to do with how you perform in front of others and far more to do with how you see yourself and your role as the one speaking.
Getting up in front of the room to prove you’re the best, smartest, and most confident?
Welcome to Imposter Syndrome-ville. Population: You and the voice in your head telling you “you suck at this!”
Showing up with curiosity rather than certainty, holding firm to the belief that you have an experience worth sharing that cannot be deleted — only added to — by other ideas?
That’s where communicative confidence starts to flourish.
There are all sorts of speaking techniques, structures, and frameworks you can try to implement to get better at communicating your thoughts and ideas to others.
But they will be largely ineffective if you do not first address your mindset and how you see yourself and your role in those places and spaces.
Orient yourself around what the audience needs and how you can best serve them
Adopt an explorer’s mindset rather than that of an expert
Be more curious than certain
Remember that no one knows what you’re going to say
Don’t try to play the part of a good speaker — deliver in your own style
After working with me for a few weeks, the client who asked me “Why can’t I be myself?” got back up on stage in front of 150 people.
With a new mindset and a new outlook on how she should show up, she delivered an informative and inspiring update on the direction of the company to some of it's largest stakeholders.
And the text I got afterwards from her said it all: “I did it! And crushed it!”
