Wicked problems vs. wicked people

In an interview I did this past week with an upcoming guest on The Follow-Up Question podcast, this person described much of the conversational angst we're all feeling these days as conversations about wicked problems vs. wicked people.

He told me it has become far too common for us to attack people and label them as wicked when we disagree with them rather than pour our energy and efforts into disagreeing over the problem at hand.

“Yes!” I told him. “That's exactly what I’m feeling. We jump to character assassination rather than deal with the difficulty of talking through the real issue.”

It's a disastrous way we show up in communication and it has a name.

Argumentum ad hominem.

Also known as an ad hominem attack, it is where we attack the human that we disagree with and their character rather than the argument itself.

And it doesn’t just happen in politics, though the political arena is a breeding ground for this kind of communication tactic.

It can happen at work or in our relationships — perhaps even with our significant other or closest friends.

It often devolves into name calling and attacking the person’s character — “you are evil” — and not the issue that you happen to disagree with.

Ad hominem attacks derail any sort of progress on solving real challenges because the person across from you has to resort to character defense rather than making the case for the ideas that they may or may not hold.

Why does this happen?

I believe it is our overwhelming and heightened sense of urgency to have an opinion about things that we don’t actually care to have an opinion about or to know enough about to have an informed opinion.

And in the absence of having enough information to have a discussion about the point of contention we're facing, we attack the person lest we be found out.

Here’s the antidote: Say “I don't know” more often.

Even better, say “I don't know but I’d like to explore it a little bit further because I’ve got some questions. On the surface, I disagree with this but let’s explore this a little bit more because I want to I want to get a sense for why I disagree.”

I understand that's a bit of a mouthful, but you can make it your own.

The point is, effective communication is as much about what we don’t say as what we do say.

I would love to hear more of us use the phrase “I don't know” more often and remove ourselves from a conversation until we have enough information to come to the table with a sound argument about the issue.

This would spare the character attacks that have become so prevalent in our conversations.

Not that there aren’t bad people in the world. There certainly are, and there are instances where someone’s ideas or behavior are wrong because of their character. There’s certainly nuance to this.

However, most of the time, what I see is that we are quick to jump into an argument without a solid sense of how we actually feel about that particular issue or topic and therefore aren’t able to make a solid case against or for what’s being discussed.

So take a step back a little bit more to consider how you show up in conversation and what you don’t say.

There is there is immense character built in saying “I don't know.”

Interested in improving your communication skills and presence? Learn more about what it’s like to work with me as your communications coach.