Are you trauma-dumping on others?

I attended a conference this past week, and as a speaking coach, I can’t help but critique the keynotes and talks more than the average conference attendee.

At this particular conference I noticed a concerning storytelling approach from several speakers that made me quite uncomfortable.

But more than any level of cringe factor it brought up for me, the speakers that got caught up in this storytelling snag missed out on a chance to be more effective, more inspiring, and ultimately, more helpful.

Stick with me whether you find yourself speaking on stages or not—this can also apply to how you tell and share your own story.

In all that we've been through in the years since 2020, there’s been a push for authenticity and vulnerability in our relationships, in our professional lives, on social media, and certainly from speakers on stages.

And I agree with this push ... to a point.

I agree that authenticity and vulnerability are necessary and will be ever more so as we enter the age of artificial intelligence. AI-generated content and our subsequent mistrust of what we're seeing and hearing brings with it an underlying question: Is this real?

It means that authenticity and vulnerability are of the utmost importance, as they are two human characteristics AI will have a hard time generating.

But in our quest to be more real and expose more people to the fullness of our stories, this push can go too far — to the point where it can actually hinder you from being an effective communicator and speaker (whether you’re on a stage or not).

Vulnerability and authenticity become ineffective when proper emotional boundaries are not respected.

This is what happened at the conference I attended last week. Three of the five keynote speakers delivered talks that became what I call emotional trauma dumps — all in the name of authenticity and vulnerability.

An emotional trauma dump happens when a speaker or person telling a story essentially processes their trauma out loud to anyone and everyone who will listen without a clear direction or plan of action on what to do with that information.

It’s the storytelling equivalent of spilling your guts and leaving the listener(s) with the task of cleaning up the mess without any tools to do so.

One of the speakers, in particular, had a very tragic story to tell — a rising-from-the-ashes saga. By the end, people were crying, and he got a standing ovation.

It was highly emotional and, at first blush, quite inspiring.

However, after the talk, I asked about a dozen people, “What do you think was the main point he was trying to make?”

Every single answer I got was different.

What’s more, no one knew what to do with the information the speaker had shared.

Now, you might say, “Michael, that’s fine. Everyone takes their own lesson from a talk like that.”

But I challenge that notion, because I would bet you a not-insignificant amount of money that the speaker had a very specific point he wanted to make.

Buried somewhere in the residue of his talk was his intended message, but it didn’t resonate enough that everyone got it because the trauma covered it up. And so we were left with this pile of someone else's emotions without some sort of reachable action or takeaway.

And this is an unfair place to leave people.

So what can you do about it?

Well, perhaps it’s obvious, but you still have to have a point, even when conveying emotion.

You still need to structure your talk to have a consistent message.

You still need to ask yourself, “What information will people need? What action do I want them to take?”

You should remove details from your story that detract from your main idea.

You need to provide a resolution for the audience or listener.

Look, I’m all for emotion, vulnerability, authenticity. They are great ways to make sure people hear you and pay attention because we connect on an emotional level with people.

But if you don’t provide us that outlet as the speaker, you are potentially not landing your message and possibly leaving people stuck in the muck of your trauma dump.

And none of us want that.

Interested in improving your speaking and communication skills to more confidently deliver your message? Learn more about what it’s like to work with me as your speaking coach.