Asking questions doesn’t have to feel like an interrogation

Thanks to movies like “A Few Good Men” and cable TV “news” programs, your idea of what it looks like and sounds like to ask a question when conflict or disagreement is present is likely amiss.

“Did you order the code red?!”

For years, I’ve championed the idea of asking questions to break through conflict and to find parcels of common ground on which to stand.

But I fear that because of the examples in our broader culture, when you think of asking questions during conflict, the default scene in your mind is more like that of an interrogation rather than a chance to be inquisitive.

And this is not me blaming you.

I just want to set the record straight.

Too often, questions seem to create tension rather than understanding and empathy, and when this happens, problems rarely get solved.

So, here are some strategies to help you approach asking questions in a way that encourages open dialogue.

1. Your goal matters

There are genuinely curious questions, and then there are questions that are used as weapons.

In that famous scene in “A Few Good Men,” Tom Cruise’s character, Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee, knew the answer he wanted from Jack Nicholson’s character, Colonel Nathan Jessep.

So he used questions as weapons.

And his goal was to win. To be certain. To be right. To put Jessep in his place.

To be honest, who didn't? Amiright?

Outside of Hollywood courtrooms, weaponized questions sound like, “So you just think we should let everyone do whatever they want, don’t you?”

These kinds of questions actually work against you and hold little value to anyone but yourself. What’s more, the answer is rarely heard because the answer is assumed to be the worst version of whatever story you have in your head.

Nuance and complexity are disregarded when questions are weaponized.

When your goal is understanding, dialogue, and empathy, your questions become truly curious.

This might sound like, “I’m not sure I agree with you, how did you come to your conclusion?”

Open-ended questions tend to be the best for inviting in true curiosity, as they encourage fuller, more meaningful responses.

This leads to…

2. Acknowledging disagreement

Acknowledging disagreement can be done in a non-hostile way.

You might think judgment and disagreement have no place in curious conversations, but the opposite is true if it is handled in a respectful way.

Admitting your feelings, judgments, and points of division is healthy and brings all of the issues to light. However, it goes too far when you begin to attack someone's character rather than their argument.

This is called an ad hominem argument, which I wrote about in my article “Wicked Problems vs. Wicked People.”

Addressing points of contention is not, “I think you’re an idiot...what’s wrong with you?”

Instead, it might sound like, “Your answer makes me really upset because that’s not what I believe. But I’m willing to hear you out. Can you please explain a bit more why you believe what you believe?”

Acknowledging disagreement invites a more robust, detail-rich dialogue. And it unearths assumptions and offers a sliver of chance that minds might be changed depending on how the conversation unfolds.

3. Avoid Rapid-Fire Questioning

Ask one question and let the response come naturally.

Let the conversation breathe, even if/when emotions run high.

Remember, emotions are not bad, which I also wrote about.

When a conversation turns decidedly emotional, your mind races, you think of ALL that you want to say, and you might sit up straighter and lean forward more.

In turn, you might have a tendency to listen less and turn into more of an interrogator.

And listen, I”m not here to be the tone police.

Instead, return to your goal for the conversation and be mindful that rushed, attacking-style questioning creates defensiveness, not dialogue.

Similarly, avoid asking multiple questions at once, as these tend to confuse and frustrate people.

When you ask multiple questions in succession, the other person begins thinking of multiple answers all at once, but they are physically incapable of giving voice to all those answers at the same time.

Give space.

4. Short questions are OK

Single-syllable questions are still questions.

“Why?” is a perfectly acceptable question. As is, “How?”

Want more syllables? That"‘s totally fine. But feel no pressure to ask questions that feel like they need a table of contents.

“What was that like?”

“How do you see it?”

“What makes you say that?”

“When did you first feel this way?”

“Why is that important to you?”

“How so?”

“What’s been your experience?”

When you ask questions that follow these strategies, effective conversations take place. Real problems get solved. Bridges are built. Hate and negativity are reversed.

Interested in improving your speaking and communication skills to more confidently deliver your message? Learn more about what it’s like to work with me as your speaking coach.