No exaggeration...when public speaking has you feeling small
When I was in college at Kansas State University, I liked to party.
A bit too much, I must say.
If I was at a house party, and then eventually when I was of legal drinking age and could go out to the bars, I was not a lay-back-and-chill kind of drinker.
If I was gonna party, I was gonna go all out.
Yep, that's college me on the left.
Now, I understand that I wasn’t any different from a lot of college students. Perhaps you were the same.
But many years removed from my college days, I’ve done a lot of self-reflection (and been to a lot of therapy) to understand what was really happening.
You see, when I drank, I got to be the most uninhibited and free version of myself.
That was, at least, until I woke up the next morning feeling like I was at the threshold of hell.
But growing up and all throughout high school, I was always the “good kid.”
Class president all four years of high school
Valedictorian
State-level cross country runner
Academic decathlon
Science Olympiad
Mock trial
Fellowship of Christian Athletes
Homecoming king nominee (my good friend Jeremy won)
When I got the freedom of college and mixed it with alcohol, I realized I could shed the “good kid” pressures, and the parts of me that I liked the most — the goofy, unrestricted, never-afraid-to-make-a-fool-of-himself parts — became exaggerated...and I got hooked on that feeling.
Especially because it got me a lot of attention. Not for what I achieved, but because of who I was (even if it was an embellished version).
And in my mind, if a little more was good, a lot more must be better.
Thus, the over-the-top drinking that was just one of the contributing factors that led to me almost getting kicked out of school my sophomore year.
Thankfully, those days are long gone, but there’s a speaking and communication lesson buried in this little trip down my own personal — albeit hazy — memory lane.
Public speaking confidence doesn’t come from changing yourself
So, what in the world do my college partying escapades have to do with good communication?
Many of my clients come to me because they want to get better at public speaking, whether it’s on a stage or in a meeting room at work.
And I hear the same thing over and over again:
“Michael, I get in front of the room in front of all those people, and I don’t feel like myself. Who I am in that moment is not who I am most of the time.”
It’s the exact opposite of what would happen to me when I partied in college.
Rather than feeling untethered, loose, and like the best parts of them are bursting through the surface, many people when they are asked to speak feel tight, clamped down, and like the most muted version of themselves.
Now, let me be clear: The answer is NOT alcohol.
I do not coach my clients to take a shot before they step into their next team meeting at work.
But often, my clients think that the way to feel more confident in front of a room is to copy the stage presence of someone else that they deem to be “captivating.” They look to change themselves.
“If I could just tell a joke like them...”
“Maybe if I move the same way they move...”
“I’d sound better if I copied their speaking style...”
That’s not it either.
But if it’s not alcohol and it's not changing yourself, what will help?
Well, the goal is the same as it was for party-hardy Michael: Exaggerate the best parts of you and your personality so that the fullness of who you are gets noticed.
Practice being more of yourself
If you struggle with speaking confidence and you don’t feel like yourself in front of a room, it’s likely because you’ve had years and perhaps decades of practice tamping down the fullness of who you are.
Somewhere along the way, you were told and you believed the message that the smaller you make yourself in those spaces, the safer you’ll be.
To reverse that message’s effects, you have to practice the exact opposite.
Don’t just practice the content of your speech or talk — practice your delivery and the ever-so-slight exaggeration of what makes you...YOU!
If you like to quote movies (like me), then quote movies and practice delivering the lines with some oomph, character voices and all.
If you have a dry and witty sense of humor, use it and practice adding pauses to let your quips land.
If you like to dance when you make a really important point, then practice shaking that thang like you mean it!
I don’t want you to practice being something you’re not.
When I coach TEDx speakers, I’m not trying to turn them into the next Simon Sinek, Brené Brown, or Angela Duckworth.
I want you, and before you’re on a stage, in front of a camera, or in any other high-pressure situation, practice fighting the tendency to downsize yourself, and instead, go bigger.
Not too big. I’m not talking about Broadway-level performance here. But enough that the real you breaks loose a bit.
And yes, it will feel awkward at first as you practice being a more exaggerated version of yourself. Awkwardness comes with trying anything new.
Eventually, the awkwardness fades as the skill builds, and the last thing you wanna do is save your practice for the moments when things are live.
Finally, have fun with it. The worst anyone can do is make a blooper reel of you and put it on the Internet.
LOL!
Connect with me to schedule a free 30-minute mini communication coaching session to walk through your specific hang-ups and challenges. I’d love to help you.
As always... keep asking questions!
