Setting boundaries when confronted with disrespect
It is immensely difficult to hold on to your curiosity in the face of blatant or consistent disrespect.
It could be:
a relative and their passive-aggressive comments
a boss and their backhanded compliments in every team meeting
a spouse and their dismissal of your concerns
a child and their rude remarks
No matter the circumstance, you might often feel justified in putting them in their place. To clap back. To go on the offensive.
But this rarely leads to positive outcomes.
Sure, a well-timed comeback that “puts them in their place” might feel good and right in the moment.
And let’s be honest, if you don’t, it can feel like you're being trampled — like you’re weak and not standing up for yourself.
But the long-term damage of going scorched earth on someone when you feel disrespected often escalates the problem rather than solves it, and as Jesse Morton shared in episode 56 of my podcast, “No problem is solved with the same level of consciousness that created it.”
So how do you communicate effectively when faced with disrespect — to lean into your curiosity and set appropriate boundaries at the same time?
Let's walk through it:
Uncomfortable vs. dangerous
When disrespected, the intense desire to lash out comes from a place of self-preservation. You feel attacked, and so you go into fight or flight mode.
This might lead you to avoid the uncomfortable idea of confronting the disrespect head on, or, as I previously mentioned, you might respond by matching disrespect with disrespect.
I want to show you a third way, but also, I want you to first consider if the conversation is an uncomfortable one or a dangerous one.
Be honest here, and don’t allow yourself to push aside an uncomfortable conversation.
But also, don’t feel pressured to remain in a truly dangerous situation.
If you feel physically unsafe, if the other person is screaming at you, if the disrespect begins to feel abusive, leave.
Hold up a mirror
Let’s say you and a coworker are working on a project together and you disagree on an important decision.
As you each argue for your viewpoint, your coworker says, “You’d have to be an idiot to believe that would work.”
Rather than respond how you want to respond — “Don't call me an idiot, you moron!” — this is where you can hold up the mirror to your coworker’s disrespect.
Communication expert and Texas trial-lawyer Jefferson Fisher suggests doing this by asking questions of intent.
Did you say that to embarrass me?
Did you say that to offend me?
These types of mirror-holding questions are OK, but they contain a level of assumption and judgment on your part that I’d love for you to avoid.
Instead, you can ask a truly curious, open-ended question, like:
How do you think it feels when you say that to me?
What did you hope to accomplish by saying that?
These questions invite the other person to tap into their empathy and give them a chance to think about how their words might have landed.
They are questions free of your own assumptions and judgment, but they also convey that something is wrong.
You can also hold up the mirror to the other person by asking them to repeat their disrespectful words.
What you just said to me, can you say that again?
Humans often say things we don’t truly mean, or, we don’t consider the underlying connotation of the words we use.
It doesn’t mean it’s right or OK, but it happens.
When you ask someone to consider or repeat their hurtful words, often, most people will backtrack and apologize.
Set boundaries and expectations
At this point, the conversation typically goes in two directions.
If you hold up the mirror to your coworker and ask, “How do you think it feels when you say that?” and they respond with, “I don't care!” you have an easy next move.
Simply say, “I’m not willing to remain in a conversation where I’m intentionally disrespected. I’m happy to revisit this when you’re willing to focus on solving the problem and not delve into personal attacks.”
This is an boundary-setting response that also leaves open the possibility of reconciliation.
However, if your coworker responds with, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to come off like that.” it is still appropriate to set boundaries and expectations.
You can do this by saying:
Apology accepted. I know we both want to see this project succeed, so let’s focus on solving this problem together and not let the pressure get to us.
If either of us are getting frustrated and need to step away, let’s agree to do that.
Protect the relationship
Finally, strive to protect the relationship.
Obviously there are varying depths of relationships — your relationship with your coworker might need less protection than your relationship with your in-laws.
However, in most circumstances where disrespect is present and where permanently removing yourself from the situation isn’t feasible, it is a good idea to take a long-term approach to solving the problem.
That means working hard to leave the relationship in a good place — with the possibility of reconciliation and co-creation always present.
By responding to disrespect with disrespect, the relationship bonds are further strained, and conflict debt builds.
Allow too much conflict debt to accumulate and relationships eventually become unfixable.
You don’t have to accept disrespect, but you also don’t have to match it. Remember that your curiosity is one of the most powerful conversational tools you control, so use it to its fullest.
As always... keep asking questions.
Interested in improving your speaking and communication skills to more confidently deliver your message? Learn more about what it’s like to work with me as your speaking coach.
