'How can I get them to change?!'

It’s normal when you encounter someone you disagree with — especially on issues you believe to be moral in nature — to feel a desire and perhaps even an obligation to get them to change.

After all, the right answer is so clear in your mind.

If only I could make them understand the truth!

Change is the motive underlying many arguments and disagreements these days, and trying to achieve it actually impedes the very thing you want most.

After all, consider how often this approach is a) helpful, and b) successful.

How often have you changed your own mind on an issue that you care about thanks to someone overtly trying to change your mind?

My guess is rarely. Possibly never.

Why seeking to change someone first doesn’t work

When you go into a conversation with the goal of changing another person’s mind, you put pressure on yourself to achieve your goal in that one moment, taking an all-or-nothing approach to the conversation and the relationship.

It creates zero-sum stakes, where “success” is measured on a binary scale — did I get them to change to my side, or not?

When this is your approach, you tend to use brute force. Facts. Data. Yelling. Intimidation. Certainty.

You try to wield a level of control and authority that you simply do not possess.

And the most likely response to this approach? 

Defensiveness, backlash, and even more intense opposition.

This is called the backfire effect, which is “when people encounter evidence that should cause them to doubt their beliefs, they often reject this evidence, and strengthen their support for their original stance.”

And change? The mere opportunity for change gets snuffed out.

The more successful approach to change

The reality is that the “problem,” if we can call it that, is likely not going to get solved in one conversation, and so you must change your approach.

A mindset shift tends to be a slow burn in these situations.

The tactic of finger-pointing and telling someone they’re wrong rarely works. They have to come to those belief shifts on their own.

There’s a messy middle to relationships, so what if, instead, you went in with the goal of changing someone’s perspective?

To offer a window into an experience of the world that looks and feels different?

It’s a slower, more curious approach, but it has proven to be far more effective in producing cooperation and common ground, because it offers space to consider other possibilities rather than feeling forced into it.

A perspective change simply means that maybe you’ve widened someone else’s field of vision. You’ve moved the blinders out a few degrees, and they see just a bit more of the nuance around them.

In disagreements and arguments, it is totally acceptable if your goal is to relay your lived experience and explain how it can inform a different perspective of the world.

After all, that is actually within your control.

As always... keep asking questions.

Interested in improving your speaking and communication skills to more confidently deliver your message? Learn more about what it’s like to work with me as your speaking coach.