The more we push, the more we push away

Think back over the course of your life.

How many times has your mind changed based on someone insisting their viewpoint was better and more right than yours

I'll answer for you: it’s likely zero times.

And yet, we see it over and over again. Two people disagree, and the “conversation” becomes a back-and-forth of who can articulate their point louder and in as many different ways as possible.

And in the end, we get the granddaddy of all conversation-enders: I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

That's not how finding common ground works, my friend. That’s not how real, serious, legitimate issues get solved.

That’s a stalemate, not progress.

In episode 36 of The Follow-Up Question, author and speaker Carla Johnson beautifully encapsulated this point so magnificently that I had to interrupt her and have her repeat it:

”Our push to insist other people listen to what we have to say is the very thing that makes us lose their attention in the first place,” she said.

When you argue the points that mean the most to you, you lose your audience as soon as you begin.

We humans are selfish, egotistical beings. We care about what we care about first.

And when it comes to being convinced otherwise, it's never going to happen if the conversation is irrelevant to what matters most to us.

Want to convince someone of a different way?

Speak to what matters most to them, not to you.

Here’s an example: let’s say you’re someone who is gravely concerned about climate change and its effects on the environment and health. Now, let’s pretend you’re in a debate with someone who is seemingly unconcerned about climate change. Their nonchalance about climate change is maddening to you, and you get increasingly upset, your voice raises, your arms ever-more demonstrative.

“My arguments are solid and true,” you tell yourself. “Why doesn’t this matter more to them?” you ask.

And that’s where the opportunity lies.

To find out what matters most to them, you have to understand them in deeper, more meaningful ways beyond canned talking points.

You must ask questions that reveal what people truly care about — the things that matter most to them because they affect their family, their friends, their livelihood, and the beliefs and ideals they hold dear and true.

Insisting someone “see it your way” causes the gap between you to widen, rather than narrow.

Perhaps the climate change skeptic has relatives and friends in the oil and gas industry and their core concern is their livelihood and financial security. As I said before, in the grand scheme of things, this view is perhaps a selfish one with no eye towards the greater good of humans, but that’s what humans do all the time.

Therefore, in the case of our hypothetical argument, addressing climate change becomes less about the environment and health and more about job creation and financial gain.

Approaching conversation this way also requires one more major discomfort: we must better understand opposing views and be able to articulate them, even if we don’t agree with them.

And again, it all comes back to asking more questions — not to agree, but to understand.